Decline and fall of motherhood

Despite local working circumstances, I was able to celebrate my mother's 90th birthday in person last month. It has been a long time since I've seen her. My brother has been in charge of her care for quite some time now. She is aging in the way her mother did, healthy of body, frail of mind.

I've noticed a change in her interal monologue over the past year. It's changed. I used to call her and she'd talk about my brother and his family, now the calls are about how she is fine and not to worry about her. There isn't worry, but there is concern.

She can be mentally 'there' at points in time, but there's a loss of the internal mind consistency. I helped her get her hair washed while I was there, after some appeal to her vanity, and there were a couple of false starts as she struggled to find the shampoo. She's losing the memory of objects in her place and if things aren't readily visible, they may not be found at all. She has a fridge full of leftovers that she forgets to eat from what I can tell. I have a hunch her body is telling her she's hungry, but she sees the plates and thinks "I've already eaten." and then doesn't sustain herself properly.

On her birthday, I arrived at her apartment and met a couple of women from her church she attended in the early 2000s through the mid 2010s. I don't know if she knew them well during her time there, but it was nice to see the outreach. We went out on an almost two hour drive around her former house, the church she spent time at, her mother's house from when I knew my grandmother, my old schools nearby, and the general neighborhood. She remembered none of them. What was particularly maudlin was the unrecognition of her house and church. She spent so much time in both places and kept them well. She wasn't sad about it, that was for me. She was happy to be about observing the late June Missouri countryside. I was happy to be there with her.

There will be a cessation of these events, hers and mine. Both of our lives have been and will be fleeting. It has been both a long time and a short one depending on one's perspective.

I have questions about my youth and hers which won't be answered. I can bear those regrets and I can celebrate what she time she has left. Love you mom, even though you won't read these words or see this photo.

Blog reclamation

Hello any readers. I'm sure I've said this before, but this is my space on the internet. I'm not here to shove ads at you or monetize your attention. I'd like to share bits & portions of my life with those who find it interesting, amusing, or offensive. If there is a 'brand' of me, it starts here. However the complaints department is closed and I'll be nattering on this 'vintage' (obsolete) way of information sharing for the near future.

Funeral for a friend

 XO has shuffled off of this mortal coil. He was one of my influencers and friends in the KC blogging community. I admired him, and he I. His passing is saddening and his voice on this vast internet has been missed for quite some time. 

His original blog has been taken over by some wanker redirecting to parts unknown, so I won't be linking to that. His work can still be found on the internet archive and I'd suggest rolling through his posts like this one or the war on terrorism if you have some time. 

Those of us in the KC blogging community did our bits of writing online to connect with other people in this daring new online space. This was before epic monetization, and the branding of individuals so they could be influencers. It was a way to self reflect, and share our thoughts, such as they were with people who were in the same area seeing our shared community through different eyes. XO is not the first of this small group to pass, but his friendship and personality were well-regarded by (most) all of us.

There was a small gathering at GTO's place a week ago and it was good to see people and see the cross section of XO's life gathered to remember him. I'm going to quote from one our members in group chat we were having on the news of him passing.

I am feeling oddly positive about [XO]'s departure from life. He most likely would have chosen to die in privacy - he would not have wanted a bunch of people crying around him. He knew he was loved by a crowd of people he wouldn't have known or even been exposed to if not for the bloggers world. He had friends who were nothing like him - he was a prickly person who most likely would have been left alone to be a hermit in a less caring world. He was cared for up to the end by friends and hospice - and he knew he could post something online about needing a package moved, and someone would help him out. In return, he took us along his ride toward his final destination. He described the fear of almost toppling down the stairs recently. He let us know what it is like to know that your days are numbered and that there won't be any more big adventures, but he wasn't self-pitying. [XO] was his own person, and he died peacefully in bed. His greatest worry was to be found in a broken and bloody heap at the bottom of the stairs, or found after several days in a heat wave. Over the years we knew him, he transformed from a deeply cynical guy into someone who felt love and gave it more freely that he could have dreamed fifteen years ago. 

 XO was unique and it was good to see him and remember him in the presence of all of those long-time friends. XO wasn't a hugger, but being with all of those friends felt like a warm hug. 

A grieving day today

 Our dog Olive, of nine plus years, was put to sleep with her family in attendance today after a year long struggle with mouth cancer. It has been a hard day for all of us especially my daughter.

I'm am proud of my family for showing kindness, compassion, love, and unwillingness to leave anyone alone during this grievous period. The virtues of our group were on full display. 

Here are some images and videos of her in happier times:

Twenty years ago today

 I had a former colleague advised me to not put my family website blog in an email footer if I wasn't updating it on a semi-frequent business. That's not why I still have it. I've long opted out of the attention economy and kept this as part of my personal journal to be online. Originally I did it to showcase my technical prowess with web applications. Now I keep it for sentimental and landmark reasons. Some of those items may be worth a follow-up blog post, but not today.

Today I want to state how proud of am of my two decades old son. Twenty years ago on a very hot August day in Kansas this happened:

It was an amazing event for everyone involved. 

We moved this little one, now taller than us, across county a dozen years ago and he's made as much of a way as he can out here in LA. We didn't know it until several years in, but he's not mentally wired like most people and struggled with academics in our school system. He is smart, just not in a way the standardized testing is geared for. He's currently figuring out where to go with his life from here and we're supporting whatever decision(s) he makes. 

It has been such a gratifying and learning experience for myself and Janet. We have been pleasantly and unpleasantly surprised in many ways as I expect most every parent is or will be. There are no safety straps on this ride.

But getting back to my pride in this young man. Let's consider my self-evaluation of when I turned 20: 

I had been on a fruitless quest to hook up with college girls and spent more than my fair share of time in seedy bars of my college town. I had moved out and moved back in with my parents and I was more than a bit sullen, angry, and stuck. I was deceitful and unkind in many ways and I'm amazed that anyone stuck with me at all. I had some support networks but most days I was angry and hostile, especially to those I lived with. My father was in the process of dying but I didn't realize what a big deal that was. I was in college but not applying myself. The person I was wouldn't recognize myself now. I had maxed out the credit card the industry vultures had supplied college students in those days. I was aimless and many things felt hopeless.

Let's compare that jerk with my son. 

He's not in college. He's also not wasting his money or time being somewhere he doesn't want to be. He is kind and welcoming to people. He has a close group of friends that really enjoy his company. He's not in any debt. He is enthusiastic and willing to share his interests. He helps willingly and cheerfully helps with the house chores we've assigned him. He's a good driver(in LA that's huge!). He doesn't drink, or drink and drive. He doesn't lie - like at all. He likes being in our home. He asks me to cook for him and has enough pride in his father's cooking that he shares it with his friends.

Comparing those characteristics with my own at the same age, he's a far better person that I was at his age.  Matt, I'm proud of the person you are. It hasn't always been easy for me to think or say that, but it is true. As I look at where you are and who you're becoming, I would not have imagined it could come from that person I was at 20. I love you very much and I'm going to enjoy seeing what you become.

-Dad(Keith)

A parable for 2020 Zeitgeist

 President Donald J Trump reactivated the New Jersey and it's battle group to show the amazing strength of the U.S. 

While out on the shakedown cruise with Admiral Crown a sudden storm arose, knocking out radios and hampering visibility. Suddenly the bridge crew spotted a light ahead not moving toward either side of the massive battleship - indicating a collision was imminent. 

BB-62(using light signals): Approaching ship, suggest you turn N or S to avoid collision

 Unknown ship: Suggest you turn

BB-62: This is the New Jersey, not some commercial vessel. Suggest you change course.

US: Respectfully, I suggest you change course.

BB-62: (The President has noticed the situation and decided to intervene) This is Donald J Trump, President of the United States and Command-in-Chief of the armed forces, you will turn or this beautiful amazing battleship will crush you like a bug!

US: This is a lighthouse.

DJT: Admiral Crown, full speed ahead, you'll fly right over him!

A long time coming...

During this time of national home-dwelling, people have paid attention to George Floyd, Ahmaud Aubrey, and Breonna Taylor. It is long past time we had a reckoning of the police violence, and by extension white violence against black people. We are not the nation we say we are and that internal struggle will rend individuals apart much as it seems to be rending nation apart. We can no longer live in a nation where black people make up 13% of the general population but compose 67%+ of the prison population; no longer live in a world where your ZIP code, especially if you're black determines will almost unerring precision your destiny in economics and incarceration.

There must be a larger movement in communities large and small to reign in the occupying police forces and replace them with partnering order-keepers. The heartbreak of seeing my city under curfew was somewhat alleviated by seeing a few police departments march with protesters. Let's have all of our municipal constabularies do such work. An officer who can say 'we agree with you, and we will be accountable to our public' will have much more moral authority than a force that dresses up in combat gear and initiates confrontation with the public they've sworn to serve.

If our police forces continue to show and initiate violence towards the people they're sworn to protect, I suggest that anyone organizing the protest find out what their second amendment rights are and open-carry whenever possible. At this point, there is no need for violence, nor to make the first move, but we've all seen how beholden the white supremacist state is to angry people with guns. Be polite, be professional, but don't let anyone push you around - I'm paraphrasing the Mattis quote.

The other thing that we must do is stop making viral images of black people dying. There are a couple of good articles by better writers than I that make this point, read them. While we're on the point of reading, make sure to read _White Fragility_. This will help even though it's hard.

I wish I was sad about the looting and burning, but I'm not. I'm not sure I can blame anyone that understands/has lived with 400+ years of black labor exploitation for the looting that occurred. At this point, it's barely a drop in terms of recompense of what has been stolen from black people.

Ways to support black people:

1. Buy from black-owned businesses. Here's a link to an LA version of that directory. A simple web search should find something similar where you live.
2. Donate at least to the following three places:
1. https://www.gofundme.com/f/georgefloyd
2. https://action.justiceforbreonna.org/sign/BreonnaWasEssential/
3. https://www.gofundme.com/f/i-run-with-maud
3. Before you call the cops on anyone, watch this. 
4. Be a better human, and don't let this initial burst of energy wane. Keep going, this is a marathon.